I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
