dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
What changed your mind?
Being sober
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
