my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He shit in the fireplace
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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