someone get that fucking seahorse.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
