no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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