I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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