I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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