Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
