when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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