he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
