my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Enjoy the penises
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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