Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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