How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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