During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize
