It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
