One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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