How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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