2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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