is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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