You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
