Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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