She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm way too hungover for life right now
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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