he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
