If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
