smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You made out with two different species that night
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
