Your dad touched me again.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
