i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
