So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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