No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
