She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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