just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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