she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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