I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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