Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
