so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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