Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
