So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
