Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
