She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
