I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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