apparently the secret to your success is patron
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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