1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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