I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
