Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
