I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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