Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
