Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
