I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
