I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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