I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
