the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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