I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
