i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
