Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
