If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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