I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
