new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
